Inner Journey Blog

Losing Our Lives

I always love passing on quotes from Henri Nouwen. When he's good, he's very good:

Losing and Gaining Our Lives

The great paradox of life is that those who lose their lives will gain them. This paradox becomes visible in very ordinary situations. If we cling to our friends, we may lose them, but when we are nonpossessive in our relationships, we will make many friends. When fame is what we seek and desire, it often vanishes as soon as we acquire it, but when we have no need to be known, we might be remembered long after our deaths. When we want to be in the center, we easily end up on the margins, but when we are free enough to be wherever we must be, we find ourselves often in the center.

Giving away our lives for others is the greatest of all human arts. This will gain us our lives.

Merton on Solitude & Relating to Others

Thanks to Alan Creech for passing along this quote from Thomas Merton:

...the only justification for a life of deliberate solitude is the conviction that it will help you to love not only God but also other men. If you go into the desert merely to get away from people you dislike, you will find neither peace nor solitude; you will only isolate yourself with a tribe of devils.

The great temptation of modern man is not physical solitude but immersion in the mass of other men, not escape to the mountains or the desert (would that more men were so tempted!) but escape into the formless sea of irresponsibility which is the crowd. There is actually no more dangerous solitude than that of the man who is lost in a crowd, who does not know he is alone and who does not function as a person in a community either.

Mere living in the midst of other men does not guarantee that we live in communion with them or even in communion with them or even in communication with them.

Where men live huddled together without true communication, there seems to be greater sharing, and a more genuine communion. But this is not communion, only immersion in the general meaninglessness of countless slogans and cliches repeated over and over again so without thinking. ...He does not act, he is pushed. He does not talk, he produces conventional sounds when stimulated by the appropriate noises. He does not think, he secretes cliches.

Mere living alone does not isolate a man, mere living together does not bring men into communion. The common life can either make one more of a person or less of a person, depending whether it is truly common life or merely life in a crowd. To live in communion, in genuine dialogue with others is absolutely necessary if man is to remain human. But to live in the midst of others, sharing, nothing with them but the common noise and the general distractions, isolates a man in the worst way, separates him from reality in a way that is almost painless. It divides him off and separates from other men and from his true self.

There is no true solitude except interior solitude. And interior solitude is not possible for anyone who does not accept his right place in relation to other men.

- Thomas Merton; New Seeds of Contemplation

Discussion on Contemplation

There is some excellent discussion on contemplation taking place over at Flos Carmeli. Steve Riddle is a lay Carmelite.

A couple of definitions of contemplation was suggested in a comment:

"Contemplation is a prayer in which our entire being is taken hold of by wonder at God’s love." -- Brother Roger of Taize, meditation, 1 Jan 2004

This next quote, defining contemplation, requires some careful reading, but it's worth it:

"The spiritual intense fixation of the mind, by contemplation on God in Christ, until the soul be as it were swallowed up in admiration and delight, and being brought unto an utter loss, through the infiniteness of those excellencies which it doth admire and adore, it returns again into its own abasements, out of a sense of its infinite distance from what it would absolutely and eternally embrace, and, withal, the inexpressible rest and satisfaction which the will and affections receive in their approaches to the eternal Fountain of goodness, are things to be aimed at in prayer, and which, through the riches of divine condescension, are frequently enjoyed. The soul is hereby raised and ravished, not into ecstasies or unaccountable raptures, not acted into motions above the power of its own understanding and will; but in all the faculties and affections of it, through the effectual workings of the Spirit of grace and the lively impressions of divine love, with intimations of the relations and kindness of God, is filled with rest, in 'joy unspeakable and full of glory.'" -- John Owen, "The Work of the Holy Spirit in Prayer"

If you're not familiar with the Carmelites, Steve gives a brief description of this order:

By the rule of my order all Carmelites are called to a contemplative life. The Carmelite vocation is a contemplative vocation for all of the members of its family. This may seem unusual because you may think of a contemplative as a vowed religious--and these are certainly contained within the Carmelite family. But the family also embraces those who are not vowed. And even those not vowed are called to the contemplative vocation. A contemplative is one whose prayer life is centered around or focused toward contemplation of God , ultimately with the goal of Union with God.

Much more at his site. Take a look!

His Promises and Power

From Oswald Chambers:

Never let the limitation of natural ability come in. If we have received the Holy Spirit, God expects the work of the Holy Spirit to be manifested in us...

Never forget that our capacity in spiritual matters is measured by the promises of God.

This is a follow-up to my last post on coming to a place of my own powerlessness. The benefit of my powerlessness is that it allows me to open my mind and heart to the awesome power and promises of God who is for me.

When I wander down the corridors of the Father's promises and His ability to keep them both in history as well as in my own life, I marvel that I would entertain any doubts as to His all-sufficiency.

Getting It All Right

Reflecting on yesterday's devotional thought from Henri Nouwen, I find myself thinking, "What would happen if I didn't get it all completely right."

It seems that one of my neuroses is that I spend much time and energy evaluating myself, my decisions, my journey, and my options... all with the intent of trying to make sure that I'm getting it "right." As though the outcomes of my life are tied to how perfectly I get this stuff "right."

I am aware that it is this drive to get things "right" that interferes with hearing the Spirit, enjoying the Spirit and life, and living life free.

So, where does this compulsion come from and how can I be freer of it?

The roots are easy enough to recognize. If I did not get it "right" when I was growing up, the fear would be that I would be abandoned even more than I already had been. Or worse, that I would find myself literally lost (a grievous event that took place in first grade) and unable to find my way back to those whom I belonged to. Getting it "right" seemed to be the antidote to further grief: getting schoolwork right, planning my life right, knowing directions right, etc.

So, those are the roots, 40 years old, recognized, grieved over, and seemingly let go of. Yet somehow the transfer from an inner fear of "not getting it right" to a completely internalized trust in a heavenly Father, who is carefully looking after every part of my life with love and attention, has not yet fully materialized in my heart. What lacks still?

I consider all the answers that come to mind: more faith, more time with God, just trust Him more... But perhaps the answer is in not having an answer. Perhaps it's one more area where I just need to acknowledge that I am powerless. Wanting change, yet powerless to make the change or even understand the process of change. Paradoxically, I have discovered many times that there is something very empowering about fully recognizing my powerlessness in a particular area. Somehow this complete sense of emptiness makes room for a Source to do what I cannot do nor even understand. Powerlessness somehow makes room for the mystery of His power in me.

I am, admittedly, grasping here... but it seems the right direction to go in. So, for today at least, I am willing to simply acknowledge that I am deeply aware of my own powerlessness to be free of my inner compulsion and fear of not getting it right.

Free To Let The Spirit Speak

From Henri Nouwen's Daily Devotional:

The Spirit Will Speak in Us

When we are spiritually free, we do not have to worry about what to say or do in unexpected, difficult circumstances. When we are not concerned about what others think of us or what we will get for what we do, the right words and actions will emerge from the center of our beings because the Spirit of God, who makes us children of God and sets us free, will speak and act through us.

Jesus says: "When you are handed over, do not worry about how to speak or what to say; what you are to say will be given to you when the time comes, because it is not you who will be speaking; the Spirit of your Father will be speaking in you" (Matthew 10:19-20).

Let's keep trusting the Spirit of God living within us, so that we can live freely in a world that keeps handing us over to judges and evalutators.

I want to live free from my own world of self-judgment and self-evaluation so that the Spirit's voice and life can emerge from within me.

Dealing With Reality

Spent the evening with a friend who was involved in a tragic car accident. He escaped with little injury but one of the occupants of the other vehicle was killed. What's worse, my friend may have been responsible for the accident.

It was, in fact, an accident but a mistake may have been made. A moment of carelessness that is now being paid for with an incredibly large load of guilt and what-ifs.

What do you say? All words sound like cliches and meaningless talk.

He's feeling things that he is going to have to feel as he wades through the shock, the denial, the pain, the guilt, and hopefully a healing. Words seem so useless. I was there for him. I will continue to be there for him. I want to fix him, but it's not in my power. I can only walk alongside him and try to be a support. I can do my best to hold him up whenever he starts to teeter into the chasms of hopelessness, self-destructiveness, or overbearing shame.

Please don't tell me how God will use all of these things for good. Not today. He doesn't want to hear about it today. It will do him no good today (maybe later). Therefore I don't want to hear it today. Sometimes all we can do for someone is to stand with them in their very real and very painful reality.

Continual Conversation

Brother Lawrence, in Practicing God's Presence, talks about his life with God being fueled by a continual conversation. A continual conversation with the Father.

I was reading about David this morning and was aware of how often he "inquired of the Lord." It was a natural conversation that he seemed to engage in on a regular basis. However, David got himself into trouble when he went to live with the Philistines... He entered into a season of compromise. Interestingly enough, this took place because David, instead of talking to the Lord in his usual manner, "kept thinking to himself." He reflected in his own mind that one day Saul would finally get to him, so he better run.

How much of my life do I spend "thinking to myself." It's the very antithesis of prayer and probably the greatest cause of grief in my life. I think to myself.

Prayer, on the other hand, is thinking outside of myself. How I need that! My thoughts, left to twist and turn inward upon themselves, will fuel emotions that create more twisted thoughts fueling more emotions, etc., etc. Thinking outside of myself, on the other hand, frees me from the inner twists and turns of my own processes and allows the greater perspectives, the bigger thoughts, the transcendent awarenesses to be seen.

How freeing to engage in ongoing and continual conversation with the Father-- to continually think my thoughts in His presence. To constantly think outside of myself and engage those thoughts along with the awarenesses and revelations that come from conversing with One imminently bigger and more glorious than myself.

I'm thinking that engaging in continual conversation with the Father is not some religious way to "get ahead" spiritually, rather it is the way to have thoughts, and thus a life, that has substance, wonder, awe, strength, hope, and beauty in it!

Father, let me just stop and turn this into a conversation with you. You are extraordinarily wonderful and how awesome it is that I can think thoughts of you, turn my attention toward you, and live my life within the context of a conversation as though you live as near me as the very words that I am here writing. I don't have to filter my thoughts, purify my thoughts, change my thoughts because of who you are-- you know all that I am and your love for me goes deeper than any superficialities. No, I can simply be who I am and yet converse everything that i am going through with you... knowing that you care, you hear, you delight in, you enjoy all that I am and have to say to you. I can speak selfishly or not. Either way, as I converse with you, it all becomes something more than it would have been and my darkest thoughts receive a touch of light upon them.

I simply thank you that I can live conversantly with You. Expand this awareness. Expand my ability to enjoy more and more of my moments with You in this way.

The Alabaster Box

Alabaster Box, by CeCe Winans

The room grew still As she made her way to Jesus She stumbles through the tears That made her blind She felt such pain Some spoke in anger Heard folks whisper There’s no place here for her kind. Still on she came Through the shame that flushed her face Until at last she knelt before HIS feet And though she spoke no words Everything she said was heard As she poured her love for the MASTER From her box of Alabaster

And I’ve to come to pour
My praise on HIM like oil
From Mary’s Alabaster Box
Don’t be angry if I wash HIS feet with my tears
And I dry them with my hair
You weren’t there the night HE found me
You did not feel what I felt
When HE wrapped HIS love all around me
And you don’t know the cost
Of the oil in my Alabaster Box

I can’t forget the way life used to be
I was a prisoner to the sin that had me bound
And I spent my days
Poured my life without measure
Into a little treasure box I thought I found
Until the day when JESUS came to me
And healed my soul with the wonder
Of HIS touch

So now I’m giving back to HIM all the praise HE’s worthy of
I’ve been forgiven and that’s why I love HIM so much

The Active Life

The inner journey and the active life are a constant rhythm from one to the other.

I have found myself, through Easter week, caught up with the active life and much less available for the inner one. I don't feel "bad" about this, but I am definitely feeling the longing. That's good.

When I start to lose the longing it means that I am starting to forget. And that's the danger of getting too caught up in the active life. When the outer activities start to become the fuel for living then the richness of the life within can begin to fade. Not only does the appetite begin to wane, but even the memory of what the inner life tastes like can become distant. Before I know it, I'm living life on crackers and no longer feasting at the Table, the Source, the Life... and not even missing it!

Ah, but thankfully, that's not where I'm at. I am missing it. Today and tomorrow I hope to take the time to settle into some abiding, soaking, being... just being with Him. How rich that is!

Don't let me settle into the "forgetfulness!"