Reflecting on yesterday's devotional thought from Henri Nouwen, I find myself thinking, "What would happen if I didn't get it all completely right."
It seems that one of my neuroses is that I spend much time and energy evaluating myself, my decisions, my journey, and my options... all with the intent of trying to make sure that I'm getting it "right." As though the outcomes of my life are tied to how perfectly I get this stuff "right."
I am aware that it is this drive to get things "right" that interferes with hearing the Spirit, enjoying the Spirit and life, and living life free.
So, where does this compulsion come from and how can I be freer of it?
The roots are easy enough to recognize. If I did not get it "right" when I was growing up, the fear would be that I would be abandoned even more than I already had been. Or worse, that I would find myself literally lost (a grievous event that took place in first grade) and unable to find my way back to those whom I belonged to. Getting it "right" seemed to be the antidote to further grief: getting schoolwork right, planning my life right, knowing directions right, etc.
So, those are the roots, 40 years old, recognized, grieved over, and seemingly let go of. Yet somehow the transfer from an inner fear of "not getting it right" to a completely internalized trust in a heavenly Father, who is carefully looking after every part of my life with love and attention, has not yet fully materialized in my heart. What lacks still?
I consider all the answers that come to mind: more faith, more time with God, just trust Him more... But perhaps the answer is in not having an answer. Perhaps it's one more area where I just need to acknowledge that I am powerless. Wanting change, yet powerless to make the change or even understand the process of change. Paradoxically, I have discovered many times that there is something very empowering about fully recognizing my powerlessness in a particular area. Somehow this complete sense of emptiness makes room for a Source to do what I cannot do nor even understand. Powerlessness somehow makes room for the mystery of His power in me.
I am, admittedly, grasping here... but it seems the right direction to go in. So, for today at least, I am willing to simply acknowledge that I am deeply aware of my own powerlessness to be free of my inner compulsion and fear of not getting it right.
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